Saturday, March 24, 2012

Our Love That Never Was

Quick... Think of her name. I imagine all of the guys here immediately jumped to HER. (Sorry ladies. Think about him. I imagine all the ladies here just jumped to HIM.)

I think we all have that one girl. The one who stole our hearts and *never* let go. No other girl could ever possibly hold a bigger place in our hearts and minds. She must have taken more than half and left the rest for all the other girls to split up... Sometimes it's our first true crush, sometimes it's a first girlfriend, sometimes it's that girl you fall for on the train... Whoever it is, she never leaves your mind. I'm stuck at home on a Saturday night, no friends to hang out with, no cigars to smoke with friends (I've picked up smoking a cigar once a week or so with my two best friends. We kick back in the park, listen to Tom Waits, Bob Dylan, etc while musing on life and the world), no alcohol, nothing to do. So here I am, back on Blogger, to share my *HER* story.

Time travel back two and a half years, to August, the beginning of the school year. A friend of mine had dated HER freshman year. The beginning of sophomore year, I suddenly found her extremely attractive. I talked about it with another great friend of mine, who was also friends with her. Eventually, she ended up texting me about a class project. I knew this was my chance. We started talking pretty often, mostly via text. We were each probably sending 50 to 100 texts per day. In essence, texting constantly while we were awake and not busy.

As this progressed, I fell in LOVE with her. I really can't put it in words. It was enough to still twist my gut to this day, and probably for decades to come. I held onto this feeling until one day I couldn't help it. I sent her a massive text explaining how much I was in love with her in the middle of the night. The next morning she replied: "I already have a boyfriend and you know that..." Writing that text was one of the most nerve wracking experiences of my life. We continued texting constantly with this now known and on the table. A couple months later, I reiterated the point to make sure she knew it, considering it was never even mentioned, and she knew...

It carried on and on for months with me constantly telling her how she was the most beautiful girl I'd seen, etc etc. I wrote her poetry, helped her through depressed times, and tried to be there for her at all times. I forgot to buy her flowers on Valentines Day and really beat myself up over that until I realized that her birthday was a week later. The day before, I went and bought a bouquet of flowers after asking what her favorite flowers were. The giddiness and look of sudden joy that swept across her face still haunts my dreams to this day. It was one of the best feelings I had ever known, making her feel that way.

She thanked me several times and we continued talking via text. I had gotten to the point of writing and sending her poems daily for a few weeks in the middle of the night so she'd have something nice to wake up to. As the year wore on, however, things turned a bit for a southwards course. She always said it was her chronic depression. It was more likely a way to ween me off of talking to her all the time... A way to make it easier.

She would go for days or a week at a time without replying to any texts that I or our mutual friend sent her. Eventually, she would start replying again like nothing had happened, explaining that her depression had been severe during the silence. This continued on for several months until the middle of May, 2010. This was the end of it all. She stopped replying to my texts and I decided that there was no use and I would simply wait for her to contact me. I didn't send her any texts for the whole month. I figured that I wouldn't get a reply until she was ready anyways, and this way I would know I wasn't annoying her and she really was interested in talking to me. She never did contact me...

I was standing in the hall, feeling quite down in the dumps. I looked up and saw her and she saw me. She walked up to me and gave me the most loving hug I'd ever felt. It was the greatest thing I'd ever felt. Pure bliss and joy. Something I really hadn't known, still haven't known since... Then I woke up from my dreams.

It's been two years since this all happened. I texted her last night that I was sorry for being too pushy and crossing lines by buying flowers, telling her how beautiful she was, etc when she had a boyfriend. She still hasn't replied to this either, and it is indeed her phone number... I texted her once before a month or two about a gig which she said she would attend (Nope. She didn't).

Damn, somebody fetch me a cigar and a glass of rum. I need to forget it all for a while tonight.